Ramadhan without him...

Today is 1 Ramadhan.
the first Ramadhan in my life without a man whom i call 'ayah'.
really miss him, deeply.
during fast breaking just now,
it was an odd feeling when i was left alone by mama to finish all the food we had.
before, it was me n ayah who did the so-called-'job'.
actually,
im having my mens so all i did since evening was eat,eat n eat....
i dunt want to think much about Ramadhan.
today was just a plain ordinary day.
nothing to be happy about.
fasting.... well during any other month, i do fast sometimes.
so, nothing really change much except for my eating-mate which is no longer around.

sawing 'tahu sumbat' at bazar made me think of him, heaps!
during previous Ramadhan, almost everyday i bought the 'tahu' for him.
a must to increase his appetite.
now,
no more main objective in going to the bazar.

about 'ayah', sometimes i forget that he is actually not around.
there were times when i thought he is coming home from work
in the late evening especially when i fall asleep in evening.
that is one of the reasons why evening sleep will change my mood drastically.
so do late wake-up.
as i used to give him a kiss and wave my hands till his car no longer in my sight of view.

i miss him.seriously.
i just cant imagine when ppl ask me,
'ayah kerja ape?'
'anak sape ni ye?'
i will try to answer the questions as if 'ayah' is still here..here...
but as studying very near,
most of the ppl i've met will absolutely ask thiese kind of questions.
it is so uncomfortable. :'(
and this really makes me feel deep down.
but when i turn home,
i have this keep this feeling away.
i dunt want mama knew about this.
yet my mood still haven't changed the moment i try to throw this feeling.

for whatever things i had in life,
i wish my childs wouldn't be in my shoes.
so do my friends.
it is hard when u lose ur love ones.
harder when u have to keep the feelings to the other of ur love ones.
and hardest when there were many things that need u to explain about how, when n who ur love ones is to u, to the other love ones u have n to the people around u.
how i wish ppl understand me better... :'(