bad

i dunno why... suddenly i felt so empty. my world is dusky.
completely murky.

actually,
it starts when i went for a blog-n-facebook walking.
it's been quite a while since i dunt do this kind of 'activity'.
well, i got spinal cord prob act, cant sit for so long till my body n legs feel numb.

so, i went to many blogs n facebook-profiles.
i found the belonging of many people that ever came into my life or i went to theirs,maybe?

but then,
i aware of something.

my heart is no longer strong.
it is easily ruptured and torn by conditions
through times and spaces.

hurm,
u know, when we read other people stories,
sometimes we have a bad feeling.
ENVY, maybe.
uh, dunt tell me that u r so perfect
and u r internally strong
so that u never come across
with such silly childish feeling.

come on....
it is a feeling.
so it can be controlled.
for better, worse or....anything!

i know this is bad
and this is wrong.

but sometimes,
u know what,
even we know the thing is negative,
we still having them weather as a n action or belonging.
subjective or concrete.

i'm not an angle,
neither you out there is.

but i hope u know what i feel.
even if u didnt understand.

cz blog is my dear diary.

which never exist
as an alibi
yet it is a witness of
my life's path.

i wish i can write more.
telling the world how innocent i am
for having this feeling.
and how
this feeling
comes by nature.
yet, i bet the world won't understand,
cz even my love ones do.

i know it is bad,
and i'm sorry...

how i wish to be happy.
for peace filling the porosity of my heart.

i want to be happy.
i deserve to be happy.
i'll find the happy the last breath of me.

even if i dont found it,
the quest of my effort
will be the one.

i will,
i
will.